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39) Anyone who thinks he is infallible is a fool, and anyone who says he is infallible is a buffoon.
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38) Maybe the rats will evolve intelligence, once our species has collapsed under it's own stupidity.
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37) My theory is that being a grown up is something that happens to you the day you realize for the first time that the only person who's going to deal with shit, is you.
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36) Do paranoids with Multiple Personality Disorder think they're out to get themselves?
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35) Don't blow your nose in my delicate tissue of self-deception!
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34) If family is priceless, does that mean I can't sell them, only give them away? Well, even so, it's still worth it...
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33) Knowledge is NOT a valid substitute for thinking!
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32) There's no process so complex that lawyers can't make it more difficult.
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31) To paraphrase from Sherlock Holmes: When you have eliminated the optimal and the feasible, whatever remains, however idiotic, must be the way the customer wants it done.
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30) Don't get too frustrated if you are right 99% of the time, but no one ever listens to you. If you were right 99% of the time and everybody listened, you'd be crucified for that 1%.
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29) Don't ask questions you don't want answers to!
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28) The most simultaneously frustrating and amusing thing in the world is having a point. The frustrating part is that so few people get it. The amusing part is watching the rest miss it.
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27) I got an email the other day from someone trying to convince me that there must be a god, since DNA is too complex to have 'happened by accident', and is irrefutable evidence of 'intelligent design'. My first thought was a reasoned response pointing out things like "that's not how evolution works", "evolution and religion can both be right", etc., but after carefully considering the source, I crafted the perfect response:
- "Your message was a real eye-opener. Your logic was so insightful, I used it myself. The sheer improbability of someone as obviously clueless about how the universe around you works as you are thinking you could convince me of your crazy-ass fundamentalist beliefs by means of such an 'incredibly effective' tool of persuasion as a mass junk-email is undeniable proof that there is, in fact, a consciousness of some kind that must have created you on purpose. Further, that being either has a sick and rather cruel sense of humor, or is an utter idiot. "
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26) If it really is all in my head, I'm a little disappointed in my imagination!
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25) Popularity doesn't make someone an expert. Voting for a politician because some actor or rock star likes his economic policies is like choosing a car because your dog likes how it smells.
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24) Technical terms in the hands of non-technical people are like machine-guns in the hands of monkeys. You might escape one without taking a hit, but end up in a room-full, and you're done for.
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23) There is, in human society, an effect I like to call "conservation of seriousness", whereby the amount of seriousness with which a person is taken is constant, and must be divided between himself and the rest of society. The more seriously a person takes himself, the less seriously everyone else will.
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22) I've learned two things about assemble-it-yourself kits. First, the time they estimate on the box is usually just about right, IF you multiply it by 6. Second, whatever tools it tells you you'll need, always add a sledge hammer, a crowbar, and a bottle of asprin to the list.
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21) Engineering is the art of reconciling what people want to hear with the actual truth.
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20) What is it the idiots know and the rest of us are missing, that keeps them getting promoted?
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19) If at first you don't succeed, you're probably using a Microsoft product.
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18) If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times. DON'T POKE THE BEAR!
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17) The often-repeated foolishness that generalizations are inherently bad is a myth perpetuated by
people who don't understand what a generalization is. If you don't believe me, stick your hand
in a flame. What's that you say? Fire is too hot to stick your hand in? I could be wrong, but
that sounds like one of those 'evil' generalizations to me...
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16) Of course cynicism is a defense mechanism! So is an immune system. Should I stop fighting off infections, too?
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15) The only people who keep an eye on what police are doing are other police. It seems to me that's roughly equivalent to filling juries with convicted felons.
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14) I didn't plan it. In fact, I told you not to do it that way. I'll be damned if I'm going to miss my TV show to fix it for you now!
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13) You can tell that a counselor, therapist, or confidant is a good one if when you hear their advice, you realize "That's just what I would have told someone to do in my place. Why didn't I see it before?" There's always a part of you that only others see.
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12) Gases expand to fill all available space. Work expands to fill all available time. If you don't have a deadline close enough to make you a little nervous, you haven't planned the project correctly.
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11) Never accept responsibility for a task unless you get the full authority to perform it. Look up the term 'Scapegoat'...
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10) Dresses don't make women look fat, and employees don't make bosses look bad.
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9) Just tell me if you don't know, for Pete's sake!
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8) Do you suppose the job of traffic-court security officer specifically appeals to blustering pissants, or does the job just make them that way?
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7) True happiness is finding someone who is less of a fool than you are, knows it, and still loves you anyway.
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6) Tom Lehrer once likened life to sliding down a razor blade. Do you suppose the pool waiting for us at the bottom is full of lemon juice, or iodine?
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5) There really are people worth listening to. I met one once.
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4) Never say yes the first time. It doesn't matter what the request is...
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3) In my experience, the phrase "We have a problem" can almost always be translated to "I have a problem, and I want you to fix it for me"
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2) What you need to do is, stop paying attention to people who make statements that begin with "What you need to do is..."
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1) Beware any statement or opinion referred to as "common sense". If enough people bandy it about for it to be common, there's probably precious little sense in it!
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