This is a test of the emergency “Shut the Fuck Up!” system. This is only a test. Had this been a real “Shut the Fuck Up!” emergency, you would have been informed specifically as to who should “Shut the Fuck Up!” and details of the flaming assholishness that caused the emergency. This system is maintained by the Department of Homeland Infuriation, in conjunction with a nationwide network of rational, intelligent people. All three of them.
In the event of an actual “Shut the Fuck Up!” emergency, all citizens are asked to use all available means to inform the person or persons deemed the reason for the alert to “Shut the Fuck Up!”.
For example, any and all politicians merit a standing “Shut the Fuck Up!” alert, owing to their inability to accomplish anything that actually benefits their constituency, while spending enormous amounts of their constituents’ cash and constantly running their mouths about issues they are not even remotely qualified or intelligent enough to have opinions on. Appropriate actions to deal with this alert include:
Spitting on the designated person or group in public whenever possible
Repeated instances of “Shut the Fuck Up!” letters, emails, facsimile transmissions, and crank telephone calls
Loud yelling of “Shut the Fuck Up!” at political functions
Shooting or throwing of heavy objects at video screens displaying the designated person or group members
It should be noted that any citizens acting in response to this alert should, at all costs, avoid using their response as an opportunity to voice their own ill-considered or annoying opinions, lest they themselves become the focus of a subsequent “Shut the Fuck Up!” alert.
In extreme cases, the “Shut the Fuck Up!” alert level may be elevated by the Department of Homeland Infuriation to “Shut your motherfucking cake-hole, you insufferable, flailing defect!”. In the case of this emergency, any persons in the vicinity of the designated person or group should immediately head to the nearest blunt object, retrieve it, and beat the shit out of them. Extra points will be awarded for high pitched squealing and/or brain damage resulting in the loss of speech faculties…
Thank you for your cooperation.
