Sabrina and I have joked for years about how we’re going to write a book about dog ownership, entitled, “No! Don’t Eat That!” Since having a baby, we’ve of course been joking about how we’re going to have to write a “new baby” book (ironically, also entitled, “No! Don’t Eat That!”), because all the stuff people told us to prepare for has nothing to do with what we’re actually dealing with!
Today, I learned that my boy, who we already knew could roll himself over over on his own at three weeks, despite all the information that says that’s a three month thing (FYI, this isn’t a humblebrag, you *really* don’t want your newborn to be able to roll over. Really!), has another previously unknown power. At six weeks, he actually has the ability to simultaneously roll over on his side, pull his legs up to his chest, kick away the wipe that was covering him, and urinate!
I am attempting to invent a name for this maneuver, but it has so far eluded me. I’m thinking something like the ‘Holy Fuck! You Just Pissed On Two Walls, a Shelf, a Changing Table, A Diaper Genie, A Hamper, A Garbage Can, The Wood Floor, The Carpet, Several Toys, And Your Father’s Face (And Arm, And Chest, And Pants) In Under Two Seconds!’ maneuver, but it seems a bit wordy.
Whatever we end up naming it, it is certainly as, if not more impressive than his previous, critically acclaimed invention, the ‘Watch Me Pee, Crap, And Vomit At The Same Time, Then Kick Both Fouled Diapers Against The Wall’ maneuver…