Things I Never Thought I’d Hear Myself Say…

So at twenty months of fatherhood, I’m taking a step back to review. I had planned this to be a fluffy little romp through some funny thoughts, but as it turns out, there’s a lot of much more important stuff to talk about! (And some pretty funny thoughts).

To start, I have to wonder how a situation can be simultaneously so difficult and so enjoyable. I mean, sure, everybody talks about how only things that are a challenge are worth doing, yadda yadda, but seriously, this is a whole different level! I love being a father. I love the babbling. I love the way my boy looks at me and his mother. I love his giggles. I love watching him learn to stack blocks, and hearing him put his first sentences together, and seeing him grow like a weed. I’m deliriously happy! And yet, at the same time, I feel like I’m tied to a treadmill that only ever goes faster, with lava all around, and an angry spider-monkey on my back. On a good day.

Then, there’s my recent realization that I will likely not survive my son’s childhood. I’ve been heat-butted, scratched, kicked in the proverbial family jewels, had my eyeball sliced open, and been tripped at the top of a flight of stairs, and that’s just the stuff he did by accident! Today, as a game, when I wasn’t looking he grabbed my left pinky and twisted so hard the second knuckle popped out. Also, his silly antics and interesting attempts at pronunciation make me laugh so hard at times I think I’m going to pass out!

Now for the good stuff! I started with a really big list of dopey things I’ve found myself saying, but I decided to leave off the majority, because they were sort of expectable. I’ve winnowed it down to just the most insane things fatherhood has driven me to speak out loud in the last year or so:

  • Why is there so much snot on this sandwich?
  • Daddy isn’t angry, sweet boy! His eyes just leak when you smack him in the face with that.
  • Don’t rub bread on your mother.
  • Give me that. What is that? Oh god, oh god, oh god! What is that? Get it off!
  • Don’t stand on the dog.
  • No, that won’t fit in my ear. No, it won’t fit in your ear either. No, Mama’s night-night. OK, good luck with that!
  • Don’t lick the dog!
  • You don’t want to put that racetrack in your pants…
  • No! No! No! Don’t eat that! Don’t eat that! Don’t eat that! At least chew it…