As a business owner, home owner, dog owner, and now children owner, I have come to understand a great many things about life in the modern world. Based upon this vast experience, I have decided to update a few of the traditional aphorisms whose usefulness has begun to age out:
- “Necessity is a mother.”
- “To err is expensive, to forgive… also expensive.”
- “When one door closes, somebody is going to come along leave it open again, so we’re heating the whole damned neighborhood!”
- “If you don’t have anything good to say, say nothing. If you never have anything good to say, you’re probably a three-year-old.”
- “If anything can go wrong, it will, and at the worst possible moment. In the event that something goes right, it will do so in a way that exerts the largest possible negative effect.”
- “A bird in the hand is really pissed that you pulled him out of your bathroom vent.”
- “A father and his money are soon parted.”
- “A coward may die a thousand deaths, but a brave man is generally taking the easy way out.”
- “A job worth doing is going on the pile until I have the cash to hire someone.”
- ” A journey of a thousand miles begins with somebody pissing their pants in the back seat because nobody listens to Daddy!”
- “A lie, told often enough, is sometimes the only thing that’s going to get that kid to sleep.” (Better to call it “pretending”)
- “A rolling stone is clearly a better toy that the one Mamma spent $80 on.”
- “All work and no play is why they invented babysitters.”
- “An ounce of prevention is just impossible to get anyone to try.”
- “Don’t cry over spilt milk, cry over how much trouble you’re in because I just told you not to touch that!”
- “Don’t put all your eggs in the dishwasher again!”
- “Don’t toot your own horn. Or any other horn. It’s very early, and Daddy has a splitting headache.”
- “Expect the unexpected, and the bill.”
- “Give ’em an inch, and they’ll find a way to get it stuck in the car door.”
- “He who hesitates probably forgot.”
- “Hell hath no fury like a woman who’s had her makeup dumped out and ground into the carpet.”
- “If the shoe fits, wait three weeks.”
- “I’m rubber, you’re glue. One of us comes out of fur.”
- “Misery loves to consume resources.”
- “The apple never falls far from where it would still be if you’d left it alone like I told you! (No, we don’t have any more apples.)”
- “All’s fair in love and getting a baby to sleep.”
- “You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar, but both pale in comparison to five-day-old formula under your truck-seat.”
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